(WWEU) Understanding the Enemy Pt.1

The R)evere

Understanding the Enemy

Part 1: The Velut Etirivi

By Corporal Travis McLeod          

We’ve all seen them, strutting down the halls with their undeserved sense of accomplishment, making us call them “sir” like they’re a goddamn knight or something. Officers. They know no shame and their authority knows no bounds and nothing brightens their days quite like sipping tea while they watch the honest soldiers work. No other civilization that calls itself “intelligent” could come up with something so useless, could it? Alas, my friends: it turns out K-Jack is just as stupid as we are and has managed to come up with an officiating system that’s actually worse than our own. So the next time Lieutenant Butterbar gives you shit about the height of that tunnel you dug, take a moment and be glad that asshole will never get a whole planet for his trouble.

ABUSHI: We’ve probably all seen the guys sporting the fay purple stud at least once. They’re basically Lieutenants, but instead of some fancy hard to spell title that the Brits somehow found an “F” in, the Roos don’t dick around when it comes to its meaning: Graduate. Fuckin A! That’s right! An Abushi is a pimple-faced booger nose fresh out of the Military Academy and everyone goddamn knows it! He might have spent the last 11 years learning about Imperial military history, tactics, training, blah, blah, blah but he still doesn’t know didly dick. Doesn’t stop him from running a platoon or a small department right into the ground, though.

AKIRI: What happens when an Abushi finally learns to lace his boots straight? They give him a big red star on his hat (just in case our sharpshooters weren’t sure where to shoot) and something called an “Element”. What’s an Element? Pretty much whatever the Akiri above him decides it is, but usually it’s a healthy mix of infantry and vehicles or some vital post at the local base. While he will be in over-all command of his “Element”, you can generally trust him to delegate the “work” to his shit for brains Abushis. Some of you younger mud boots might remember that asshole Dean of Students at your school; well that’s an Akiri for you: basically a glorified disciplinarian who occasionally gives input on battle or operational strategies when the silvers aren’t too busy sucking each other off.

1^st AVEKI: So lookit, getting a ‘silver rank’ is apparently some sort of big deal in K-Jack land. No one really cares if you fuck up from time to time as an Akiri or Abushi, but screwing the pooch (or whatever the Roos have) as an Aveki can seriously blow major holes in your career 'cuz you've go 'sposibilities now, son. Usually they’ll be given some sort of ‘special’ element like a Blue Stripe company... or a Red Stripe if they swallow, I guess. But what separates an Aveki from one of the ‘lower’ ranks is that they sort of “own” whoever they command. See, when someone gets their Aveki’s promotion, they get to draw a pretty picture and slap it on their sleeve. That picture is called their “flag”, and every poor bastard under their command has to wear whatever retarded ass seizure doodle he came up with as part of their uniform. They even paint it on the side of the ship if he’s given command of a frigate or something. Also, it means he can get hitched to a girl (on the off-chance he’s into that sort of thing), plus own land and keep slaves.

2^nd AVEKI: That’s right, K-Jack ranks in ascending order. 2^nd Avekis aren’t much different from the first except everything but their dick gets bigger. A bigger ship, or a bigger element – you get it. Sometimes, though, they’ll basically be the mayor of a city. Each major city has a throne being filled by the ass of a 2^nd Aveki. So if you decide to, say, blow up a building or something (which you totally should, just what the hell do you think we're not paying you for?) then it’s the 2^nd Aveki who catches the flak.

3^rd AVEKI: Christ, it’s a good thing they stop the Aveki ranks here. I don’t know how many more of those stupid shooting stars they could fit on their hats. So these guys get to play with all the cool toys: they get the big battle cruisers, the super carriers, they get to rule over territory the size of countries and basically spend their days sitting on their ass waiting for their General’s promotion. They get first pick of whatever new units the Governor Militant requests, plus reserve the right to train new units. So basically: anyone you see not sporting the 3^rd Aveki’s Flag is the fat, slow kid who gets picked last at the pick-up game.

HYM’R HILEA: The reigning champion in the ‘Stupidest Name for an Officer Rank’ contest has got to be the Hym’r Hilea. Interestingly enough, the champion for the ‘Stupidest Name for an Officer’ contest happens to be our very own Governor Militant, Hym’r Hilea Gadry Tiraf. Now you could equate a Hym’r Hilea with a General or an Admiral, but you’d be wrong because it’s actually both. For some reason sane minds dare not guess at, Imperials think that fleet combat and planetary warfare are simple enough to be handled by one guy. So this is how the back asswards Imperial Military Officer’s System works: as a Hym’r Hilea you are given a fleet and an army. It is then your job to go out and conquer a planet or a system in the name of the Empire. If you don’t have the oats to do that immediately (and most of them don’t at first), you have two options: assist with any fighting that’s currently going on, or stage practice ‘raids’ on fellow Imperials to inspire enough confidence to be granted more units. Conquering a planet is sort of like building a retirement home. See, in the Empire any one can leave the military when their term is up EXCEPT officers, who are in for life. So in order to effectively ‘retire’, you need to have a secure plot of land or a world. In this way the GM is sort of like a king and the Aveki are like vassal lords; they are beholden to their Hym’r Hilea, but not necessarily to each other UNLESS one of them happens to be a sub-governorship of or a subordinate officer to a higher ranking Aveki. Confused? Let me break it down: Rather than the Colonel bossing the Lieutenant Colonel, and the Lieutenant Colonel bossing the Major, etc. the GM is the boss of everyone on the planet and the Aveki are the bosses of whatever territories or commands the GM has carved out for them. The Akiri and Abushi act as traditional military officers in service to their Aveki, but only to their specific Aveki (Though somehow I think if a 3^rd Aveki told an Akiri of a 1^st Aveki to jam his thumb up his ass, someone is going to have to wash their hands soon).

So I’m gonna stop here kiddos. There’s not much use talking about what comes after this, just wanted to give you young bucks the big-picture view of the assholes you’re fighting everyday. If you have any questions, you can talk to someone at LogReg. Peace! .R)

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